Last picture

This was taken days, maybe hours, before my mom died.

She was admitted on a Saturday and I stayed in denial until Tuesday morning. The doctors called my dad and I in to a small conference room and told us there was nothing more they could do. I don't remember much after that. I remember sobbing uncontrollably. I think I remember a doctor patting my back. I remember them asking how far we wanted to go to keep mom alive. The only thing I remember vividly is sobbing... 'doubled over, from the gut' crying.

In prior months my mom tried a couple times to tell me that she wasn't going to be here much longer. I didn't believe her... either out of stupidity or self preservation.

So from Tuesday on we waited for her to take her final breath. She was heavily sedated... I guess because the pain would have been too much to bear. She looked as if she was sleeping at first but as the week went on she looked as if she was further and further away. She was slipping away and what remained was a broken empty shell.

She waited until everyone had gone home on Friday and at 1:40 am (Saturday morning) she took her final breath. My dad, Adam and I around her crying, she let go and went home to be with the Lord. I've never been so full of despair as I was at that moment.

A short time later, I removed her wedding band and engagement ring from her finger and placed them on mine.

I think I will always wear them.

A gift from the heart

This was my birthday present from my in-laws this year. I can't even begin to describe the wonderful feeling of opening this up and seeing something so deeply personal. My MIL designed it with the help of the jeweler and picked out the "Love Iris" phrase. I may not have my mom but God has certainly blessed me with a wonderful MIL and FIL. No matter what I have lost, I consider myself truly blessed.

Dear 3Day,

I am very sorry I didn't train correctly. I realize the error of my ways now that I am a week out from the walk. I started off with such good intentions... but my follow through was non-existent.

Still, if you could find it in your heart not to destroy me, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks, Jessica

Laura's Goal

Email I sent out:

My friend, Laura, and I have taken on an incredible challenge. On October 9-11, we will be walking 60 miles over the course of three days, camping out at night with thousands of other women and men taking this journey with us.

It's for an event called the Breast Cancer 3-Day, which benefits Susan G. Komen for the Cure and the National Philanthropic Trust Breast Cancer Fund. Every advancement in breast cancer research, treatment, education and prevention in the last 25 years has been touched by a Komen for the Cure grant. They are working hard to build a future without breast cancer, and Laura and I plan on raising $4,600 to help bring us closer to that goal.

Please consider making a donation to Laura's walk.  I have fulfilled my $2,300 goal and really want to see Laura fulfill hers as well. Please be sure to donate on Laura's page as an overfill on my goal does not spill into her goal.  Please also ask your employer if they will double your donation with a matching gift.

As many of you are probably aware, I lost my mom to this disease (after a darn good fight ;~)  I follow Fat Cyclist's blog and he just lost his wife.  The list could go on and on... everyone we know has been affected or afflicted.  Please help me in trying to stop this.  I truly believe that with enough research and enough caring, we can stop cancer.

Without a cure, one in eight women in the U.S. will continue to be diagnosed with breast cancer. That's why I'm walking in the 3-Day. Because everyone deserves a lifetime.

Please visit Laura's page HERE to make a donation. If this link doesn't work, you can search for her (Laura Kukich) on the main page or just email me and I will be sure to get you in touch with her.  If you don't want to donate online, please download and print a donation form and mail it to the address on the form. Or you can call 800.996.3DAY to donate over the phone. I would like to see Laura reach her fundraising goal as soon as possible, so please don't delay!

Thank you for taking the time to read this email, and thank you for your support.

P.S. Don't wait - donate today!

Please consider donating to Laura's walk (not mine, please!)  I am so grateful that she stepped up to do this walk with me and for Breast Cancer... please help me show her how great I think she is!

Donation Goal Accomplished!

I have officially hit my $2,300 goal for the 3day walk!

That is such an awesome feeling... to know that I have wonderful friends and family who give selflessly to a cause that means so much to me.

I plan on doing something to thank all the donors... maybe write their names on one of my tshirts for the walk. I wouldn't be able to do this without their generosity and support!

If you are still interested in donating... please donate to Laura's walk. She is my partner in crime for this walk and while she is kicking butt at the training, she is still a little short on the donations!

Progress...

So my training has been going well nonexistent. I wish I had better news to report but sadly I don't.

I haven't kept up with the training schedule at all. I tried very hard for the first few weeks. I got the right shoes, I got a jogging stroller, I planned times to go... it was perfect. For a week or 2.

Walking for an hour or more with an active 18 month old in a stroller... well I would rather walk to hell and back.... which coincidentally is what it felt like.

Not that I can fault the kid... it's got to be pretty boring up there. And he is clearly to young to appreciate being pushed around all the while being plied with goldfish and water. If I could switch places and still call it training, I would in a heartbeat.

So I thought I should go without the kid. Yeah, I said 'I thought'... I didn't say I acted on it. It's a great idea to go without him but the logistics and feasibility of that are frustrating to say the least.

The thing is... I have to figure out something. I really don't want to be lapped by women who are more than twice my age and have been battling this horrid disease for years... which is what happened last time when my mom clearly kicked my a$$. Seriously, my whole motivation for completing the walk (and not getting picked up by a sweeper van) was to prove that I could do something a 50 year old cancer patient could do. Well I did it but not better than her. She barely broke a sweat, had no blisters and enjoyed every moment of the walk. I on the other hand panted like a dog without water, had blisters on my blisters and blissfully enjoyed tolerated every step.

She was an animal.

And I had her example to follow.

Now I am on my own and that scares the crap outta me.

Training Started!

The breast cancer 3day helps you out by sending weekly guides for training. It's a 24 week process and since we are 24 weeks out from the event *gulp*, the training has begun!

Tuesday was the first day... 3 miles of moderate walking.

I made it 2.17 miles.

In my defense it was hot and I was bored. Chase (oh and I was pushing a big ole honkin stroller) doesn't talk back to me, ya know, being 18 months old and all, so it was pretty much me talking the entire time. If you don't know a lot about kids, talking to an 18 month old pretty much consists of identifying what they are grunting and pointing at... airplanes being my sons favorite. Not stimulating conversation at all.

Luckily my MIL was able to go today... we walked 2.11 miles. Oh did I mention it was supposed to be 3 miles of moderate walking again? Hmmmm, I am off to a rousing start!

Whatever, I give myself credit for just getting out there and trying. That really is the biggest battle.

I did learn 2 things.

1. I really really need to follow this training program or I might truly die on the walk

and

2. I really really want a jogging stroller!